Sunday, May 29, 2011


I am completely by consumed by this.  For over a year now, since finding about my BRCA results, it's been on my mind all the time!  It's getting worse.  In the first few months after the initial coming to terms with the results, I could go a couple days, maybe more, without thinking about it.  But more recently, for the last 6 months or so, it's daily, if not multiple times per day. 

What am I thinking about?  Cancer.  Getting Cancer.  Not getting cancer.  Wigs.  Mastectomy.  Scars.  Implants.  Lifting restrictions.  Pain medication.  The passing on of my genetics.  My daughters.  Breast feeding.  Nipples.  Ovaries.  Exanders.  Hospitals.  Hospital food.  Hospital Beds. Mastectomy bras.  Surgeons.  Drain tubes.  Will I be okay with my new boobs?  Will my husband be okay with my new boobs?  If they turn out terrible will I find enough comfort in my reduced risk to make up for it? 

I would compare this to pregnancy.  That living being inside of you is hard to forget about.  Moving around with it's little heart beating.  Kicking at you from the inside.  The little hiccups.  I felt kind of that way about my boobs right now..and to some degree my ovaries.  Except with far less fondness...they're not going to come out a cute precious little baby.... hopefully they'll just come out and let me stop thinking about them!  Hopefully I'll get used to their new feel and get used to seeing the scars, and I'm sure it will evoke some thoughts or feelings from time to time, but hopefully when the timebomb is gone, it will no longer consume me.

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