Monday, November 28, 2011

I thought about wearing mascara

It's been a long time since I have worn mascara.  By long time I mean atleast a couple months.  I may have risked it at some point in September prior to surgery. I tend to not wear it if I feel like I am likely to cry that day. But as I was getting ready this morning I thought about wearing mascara today. I thought it would look nice and I have been fairly stable recently. I didn't see it out above the counter though, and I didn't feel like digging around for it, so I skipped it. Good thing I did!

About 30 minutes later, on my way in to work, a song on the radio that got me feeling a little sentimental and I started thinking about my daughters and how they would feel about what I've done. I'm hoping by doing this I've saved them from losing a family member so young, but then they won't be forced to face the harsh reality of how deadly this really is. And with that being the case, will they understand? If I'm boobless for the rest of my life will they think I just made a dumb mistake? Will they think I'm a coward? Or just overreacting? Then I wonder if I'm really worried about them thinking that, or if that is what I might be thinking, And then I pictured myself really sick and then dead and realize again that I've done the right thing, and even if they think I'm really pathetic, its better than not being around to see them as adults - that's the whole point right? I just want them to someday think I was brave and know that I did this for them (in a non guilty way) and hopefully they'll grasp the severity of the situation should one of them be faced with making the same choices, and thankfully I should be around to provide support to them.

Luckily I had a tissue within reach or my makeup would have been a complete loss for the day (and today was a looong day). So clearly I'm not ready to wear mascara yet.

1 comment:

  1. May you live a long and happy life, enjoying not only your own daughters, but also your grandchildren and great grandchildren (and maybe even great, great, great)! Whatever it is that brings you joy, may you experience it with great exuberance!