Geez, what now??

I've mentioned my autoimmune disorder in previous posts, now that has suddenly become my health focus.  My inflammation levels are elevated (according to my blood tests).  We still don't know what is causing it, but now I have other highly unpleasant symptoms in addition to the fatigue and achiness... lets just say its unpleasant and related to my bathroom habits.  My rheumatologist referred me to a gastroentonologist, and based on my file, they scheduled me for a colonoscopy.... yippee.  Seriously.. I'm 30.  I don't think this is right, but they're wanting to rule out things like crohns disease.  

Even worse, the research I've been doing leads me to the conclusion that prolonged/chronic inflammation can be one of those cancer causing triggers.

So lets see, I'll make up a visual example of the scenario at hand... ok if you look at my hand like it would turn into cancer if I lost all my fingers (suddenly my hand would grow and morph into something deadly and uncontrolled trying to consume my body and kill me) and the fingers are the only thing keeping it in check...  So automatically I have ATLEAST a couple fingers gone because of the gene, next I have a finger knocked out due to environmental factors, and another finger or two due to past lifestyle choices (smoking, drinking, poor diet), then inflammation sets in and breaks off the last finger.  Now I'm not sure if the gene got rid some fingers to start with, or if it just made it easier for them all to fall off... either way out come is the same.

I'm trying not to be fearful.  It's hard when I feel so terribly and I don't understand why.  Just like when I had the lung issue last year, I find myself wondering if its possible that somehow I developed some aggressive ovarian cancer that has metastasized to my colon.  I imagine them calling me in after the colonoscopy and saying they found cancer, and they were surprised because I'm so young, but then they realize its not colon cancer, it's ovarian cancer!   I know I can't let myself get caught up in that kind of thinking.  Its just hard to not go there at all.

I feel like a freak.  I'm scared about this crazy stuff.  And then I have all these other issues.  I feel so bad for my family some days, particularly my husband.  What did he get himself into?  

Today when I was called by the nurse to get things in line for yet another procedure, she asks me about if i've had any surgeries... I list them all off, and theres part of me thats disgusted hearing it all.  then what medications I'm taking.. I list them off, and she asks why I'm taking them, and I have to explain, and I just sound so weak.  She asks about my family history of cancer, And its the C word.. and I just want to run away, but I have to stay on the phone, and I say well I tested positive for the BRCA gene mutation.... thats why I had the mastectomy.  "Oh," she says.. and I know she doesn't get it.  Not like I should expect her to.  So I tell her theres lots of cancer in my family.  and she says "ok, but do you have any first degree relatives, with um, the same.... um situation...?" well I got the gene from my dad, he's had skin cancer.  At this point I just want off the phone so bad... I'm so tired and sick of it all.  She asks if I have any mobility issues, and I don't know what the procedure entails, so I tell her I have temporary implants in and they're not comfortable for me to lay on my stomach... and they have magnetic ports.   "That shouldn't be a problem... but I'll make a note of it".


((sigh))

Now I have to wait 3 weeks for the colonoscopy.  Who would ever be eager to have a colonoscopy???? 

Me.
And NOT ME!!  It's just about the last thing in the world I want to do right now, but I can't stand the not knowing what is going on inside my body.

I'll get through this of course.  I'm just feeling pretty down right now.

Disappointed

I had my appointment with my PS today.  After the last appointment I had to wait to get another fill, so I really expected to get a fill today.  But no.  Although Ive had no redness for atleast a week as soon as I undressed in the plastic surgeons office there was the redness again! What the heck!? So he comes in and looks and pokes and pinches and then tells me we cant expand anymore, the skin under the left breast is just too thin.

he said the upper inside skin of the breast had room so his plan would be to open that up during surgery to accommodate the larger implant (im 200 ccs now and the moderate profile implant for my breast diameter he used the expander for is like 300 ccs. just a reminder here - I was filled to 200ccs at the time of the first surgery. I believe I was at around 300 (planning to go to atleast 500 when I got the infection.) they had removed over 400 ccs of tissue in surgery. now IM only going to get to 300.

He said we could revisit in a month but it's unlikely he'll change his mind. He suggested I could go ahead and schedule my exchange surgery. they offered me the last two Fridays in May any Friday in June or July. so I will have to figure out the best time to do it.

IM really disappointed about the size. but I guess I will just have to get over it. maybe I will like them more when I have the silicone implants?

I know...atleast I've significantly reduced my risk of breast cancer. don't get me wrong, I know how huge that is, it is just sometimes people talk about how getting nicer boobs is a perk of going through all this, but at this point that doesn't seem to be the case for me. butmaybe if I assume I would have gotten cancer, and if I was lucky enough to survive it, I could also assume with all the cancer treatment and every thing my out come would be worse. I guess the thing to keep in mind is the no longer assuming I will get breast cancer.

I'm sure I will come to terms with all this eventually.

Bad days

I've had a rough time coming back to work after this last leave.  I'm soooo tired.  And I'm having difficulty keeping my emotions and stress levels in check.  It seems like the more stressed I am the more tired I am and the more pain I have.  By Thursday each week I want to go to bed at like 730, I can't even stay awake for greys anatomy!  I've turned into a clock watcher waiting for it to be late enough to get the kids in bed so I can go to sleep too.  Today was really horrible, I just can't wait for the weekend.