A New Found Appreciation

Interesting how the thought of losing something can make you appreciate it more.  Now that surgery to remove my breasts is looming, I'm finding myself appreciating them more and more each day. 

I think it has easily been 6-7 years since I went anywhere in public (other than swimming) without a bra.  In fact for the past year I've been wearing a Victoria's Secret "Miraculous" bra.  (which IS Miraculous).

There is a little bit of story to the "Miraculous" bra.   -  Except when pregnant (or afterwards trying to lose the 50+ pounds I gained each time) I've been fairly thin, and while I've always felt I had decent sized breasts, they weren't something I could flaunt around my cleavage in a low cut shirt.  They just didn't work that way.  All my bras successfully lifted and separated, and if wearing anything that wasn't a bra that provided support it did so through smooshing.

So I went out one night with a coworker and some of her lady friends, and I actually am quite sure that at least 2 of them had "enhanced boobs".  So they're wearing cute low cut things and flaunting their cleavage, and I tried to squish mine up a bit and well.... it just didn't work.  From some point that night, I just desperately wanted "cleavage".  So then the Victoria's Secret commercial came on and I just had to try it  I forked out the cash for it... and it worked.  The Miraculous bra easily took me from my natural B/C (not so full) size to a D+  looking like I'm going to bust out of my shirt!  and honestly - I LOVE it.  I really don't notice any different kind of attention.  That's not what it's about.  I just really feel there is no mistaking my femininity when I'm wearing that bra.  And having been so thin and hipless so long, I enjoy feeling confident that my form is more feminine. Even more so that I've gained a little weight now actually have a butt and hips to accompany them.

Anyway.  So yes.  I haven't gone bra-less for some time, certainly not since I was pregnant with my younger daughter.  And I'm serious - not even to the gas station to buy a last minute gallon of milk (unless it was winter and I had some reason to be completely concealed in an over sized coat or sweatshirt).  I guess I had some concern about their position.. having breast fed 2 children I felt maybe they were a bit saggy.

So recently I've spent alot of time looking at them.  It started because I was doing the visual exam, seeing how they look, do they look normal, making sure theres no weird dimpling or color changing skin.  Then additionally having seen alot of the before and after mastectomy/reconstruction pictures, I've been looking at alot of boobs!!  So just in my day to day activities,  I've also started noticing other women's boobs, what size they are, what shape they are.  LOTS of women walk around without bras!!!

So the other day I got home and changed out of my miraculous bra into just a tank top, then threw on a thin t-shirt over it since we had my sister in-laws coming over.  It was just too hot for my bra, particularly the Miraculous bra.  It's a 100 degrees out,  and after working all day, the last thing I want to do is sit around with sweaty boobs.  So when my sister in-law asked me to go to the store with her, I checked myself out in the mirror and said "think I'm okay going without a bra?" to which she said "ya" (of course!! she's not wearing a bra either!!!)  So off I go to the store bra-less !  And yes, I did feel a little self conscious, but when I was there, I kept looking around and noticing other women and their boobs, and realized even bra-less my boobs area actually pretty okay looking.

I went to the gas station last night without a bra.  Today I went to the car wash without a bra.  I feel great.  I'm probably still going to wear my bra to work.  In fact, I still can't imagine not doing so.  But the point is I'm really liking my boobs right now. 

I kind of wish I could just resent them for what they're putting me through....  instead I find myself enjoying them, admiring them, hoping my new boobs will come close to looking this good.  I'm not fooling myself.  I originally had some hope of getting them to be the size they are in the Miraculous bra, but I've pretty much been assured that is not going to happen.  I know I'm not "getting a boob job"    It's not like with this surgery I'm going to go in to the hospital and come out with beautiful new breasts.  It's something else entirely.  I'm not sure I'm ready to use the words that will adequately describe what they will be (or won't be).

For the next 72 days, I'll just love my breasts for what they are.