Monday, September 12, 2011

Let's not commit to anything....

So I've realized there are a few uncertainties in my future.  Such as, when exactly I'll return to work and what that will be like.  I'm pretty sure nothing will go wrong, and I'll be back to work in 6 weeks as planned, but there is always the possibility I won't.  I'm taking part in an online "academy" related to my position at work and it involves homework and teleconferences, and I've not been very good about doing the homework all year anyway, so I kind of feel like I might as well just quit the academy now, because I'm going to be so far behind and I don't know that I'll have time to catch up when I get back. 

I haven't joined any committees because I knew this would be coming, and today HR sent out a notification that we'll be training on 3 of our major policy and procedures manuals, one of which I'm pretty much an expert on (maybe more so than anyone else at my location), and she is looking for volunteers to train on sections of these at each "all employee meeting".  I had clicked reply and started typing... I was going to say "when I return from my leave I'd be happy to do one of the training segments, maybe let's schedule it for a month or so afterwards if possible to ensure I'll be back and ready to present... " and then I stopped and realized, sure I'll be back, but WILL I be ready to present?  Presenting means getting in front of people, people looking at me....  What If i'm not ready for people to look at me??  When will I be ready for people to look at me??  Who knows.  I closed the email (I didn't even save the draft).  Maybe when I get back, if I feel confident and comfortable, I'll reach out and let her know if she has the need still I'd be willing.  But for now..... I'm not committing to anything at this point. I'm not going to put that pressure on myself.

So, we have 3 weeks to go and I still don't know who I'll be training to fill in while I'm gone... we're pretty much past the point where someone will have appropriate system access to get reasonable training... But what will be will be.  I've realized that no matter what, in 3 weeks I'm leaving and I am having this major surgery, and Im going to be at home and needing to focus on healing for a length of time, and I gave my work 2 MONTHS notice, and I just can't worry about it.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it, when I did everything my in power to make things go smoothly while I'm gone.  I hope I don't come back to a mess... but it is what it is, and I'll just have to deal with it the best I can when the time comes. 

I sure talk big, don't I?  I've been really stressed and angry about this...  maybe I'm just now coming to terms and this will be my new stance?  I hope so. 

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