Countdown Clocks and my MRI

I have countdown clocks.  Such as the one on my blog saying 18 days until surgery!  (18 days!!) I have 2 more on my phone - 101 days until Christmas!  AND  115 Days until 30!  It's quite strange watching the days tick away.  I clearly remember having 300 days until my 30th birthday, and watching each one and wondering if I'd feel some sense of urgency when it was down to just 100..  I'm close.  But really it will be just one more day down.  Maybe I should then change it to days until I'm 31.

So we've made a couple steps towards finalizing things for the procedure.  I found out at work who would be covering for me.  It is FAR from ideal.  And I could probably write for an hour on how upset I am about it and why, but like I've been saying - it is what it is.  We just need to make the best of it.  Atleast we found out now and can start training and making arrangements instead of doing it all last minute like I was beginning to fear (though based on who it is, we really could have known a month ago, and had things a little more in order....BUT OH WELL).

I also had my MRI yesterday.  Okay.. MRIs are weird.  The guy who checked me in and really walked me through the procedure was the same guy who did it all at my MRI last year.  He is extremely friendly and chatty and easy to talk to which probably helps his case when he's kind of an older guy who has to get your boobs situated properly in the machine without freaking you out. 

I wore scrubs for this adventure.  But the funny thing is they make you keep your shoes on atleast until you mount the machine.  So since I was coming from work and going back to work afterwards, I was wearing my oversized hospital issued blue scrubs and my black peep toe high heels.

He set me up with an IV, placed a giant scrub cap/hair net thing on my head, and squished some ear plugs in my ears.  Then I got all situated on this table where I had to lay face down with my arms above my head and my boobs dangling freely...  (awkward...)  He put a big warm blanket over me which made me feel a little better.  Then he messed with my IV a bunch which wasn't very pleasant, slid my table back into the machine and then he left, and I had to lay perfectly still while this machine around me buzzed, and beeped and knocked.  They have it fixed with a mirror so that even though I was laying face down I could see straight out in front of me (where the top of my head was pointed).  I think that helps with the claustrophobia.  The time is really only broken up by the imaging person speaking every once in awhile "you'll hear knocking for five minutes now, be very still",  then five minutes later "There will be silence for 2 minutes now, please remain still".  This went on for atleast 20-30 minutes before the guy came back in and injected my IV with the contrast dye and told me only 5 minutes, then 6 minutes left!  Not sure why he didn't say 11 minutes...

My skin is very impressionable, so after laying face down with a folded towel between my face and the head rest, I had major towel imprints and lines all over my face!  They were mostly gone by time I got to work, but I'm sure I looked pretty funny at the hospital.

Then it was maybe 3 hours later and my surgeons office called.  I had a moment of fear/panic of course where I thought "oh my gosh it must be bad for them to rush the results like that!"  but no.. she said they got the results and "everything looks stable, there are no new lesions" and they would discuss it in more detail at my preop!  So thats good news, and just further reinforcement of how awesome my hospital and doctors are.  

Next week is preop with the Plastic Surgeon, I expect it to be informative.  I'm bringing my husband, we can really get to the details of the reconstruction, what I can expect there now that I have the clearance I need from all the other doctors! 

Let's not commit to anything....

So I've realized there are a few uncertainties in my future.  Such as, when exactly I'll return to work and what that will be like.  I'm pretty sure nothing will go wrong, and I'll be back to work in 6 weeks as planned, but there is always the possibility I won't.  I'm taking part in an online "academy" related to my position at work and it involves homework and teleconferences, and I've not been very good about doing the homework all year anyway, so I kind of feel like I might as well just quit the academy now, because I'm going to be so far behind and I don't know that I'll have time to catch up when I get back. 

I haven't joined any committees because I knew this would be coming, and today HR sent out a notification that we'll be training on 3 of our major policy and procedures manuals, one of which I'm pretty much an expert on (maybe more so than anyone else at my location), and she is looking for volunteers to train on sections of these at each "all employee meeting".  I had clicked reply and started typing... I was going to say "when I return from my leave I'd be happy to do one of the training segments, maybe let's schedule it for a month or so afterwards if possible to ensure I'll be back and ready to present... " and then I stopped and realized, sure I'll be back, but WILL I be ready to present?  Presenting means getting in front of people, people looking at me....  What If i'm not ready for people to look at me??  When will I be ready for people to look at me??  Who knows.  I closed the email (I didn't even save the draft).  Maybe when I get back, if I feel confident and comfortable, I'll reach out and let her know if she has the need still I'd be willing.  But for now..... I'm not committing to anything at this point. I'm not going to put that pressure on myself.

So, we have 3 weeks to go and I still don't know who I'll be training to fill in while I'm gone... we're pretty much past the point where someone will have appropriate system access to get reasonable training... But what will be will be.  I've realized that no matter what, in 3 weeks I'm leaving and I am having this major surgery, and Im going to be at home and needing to focus on healing for a length of time, and I gave my work 2 MONTHS notice, and I just can't worry about it.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it, when I did everything my in power to make things go smoothly while I'm gone.  I hope I don't come back to a mess... but it is what it is, and I'll just have to deal with it the best I can when the time comes. 

I sure talk big, don't I?  I've been really stressed and angry about this...  maybe I'm just now coming to terms and this will be my new stance?  I hope so. 

I Don't Have Breast Cancer!!!

This has been an interesting week.  I had my appointment with the Rheumatologist about my autoimmune disorder today.  He was soooo supportive of my decision on the mastectomy.  I really think he is one of the most attentive doctors I've ever had.  I waited over an hour to see him, but it was worth it!  He listened, and considered, and chatted, and gave excellent explanations behind every answer he gave to my questions. I wish he was my everything doctor! 

Sounds like I'm good to go on silicone.  He said there was no scientific evidence to support silicone causing or having negative impact on autoimmune disorders, and his opinion is I should weigh the other pros and cons to come to a decision I'll be happy with.  He's also not concerned about my condition causing poor healing or other complications. 

I left that appointment feeling good about my decision again.  He said at one point, "considering the huge risk you're facing, I really think you're doing the right thing" and I said "ya, I really think I may be saving my life". and He said "definitely, very well could be". I felt more confident about the surgery than I have yet!

Then the next day I went to get some lab work done, and my surgeons office called to tell me they had completed my FMLA paperwork and I could come get it.  So after my blood draw I went across the street to the surgeons office and asked for my paperwork, and the receptionist said "Oh yes, this must be for you!" then she looked at it odd, and said "whats your name?"  I told her, and she kind of shrugged, and "Hmm okay, ya this is it" and handed it to me.

I really wasn't prepared for what the surgeons office had written on the paperwork. 

Diagnosis:  Breast Cancer.

My eyes tingled a little and my throat started to close off, I turned and walked out of the office.  As I started driving back to work it really hit me, somewhat fiercely.. " I DON'T have breast cancer!!!!"  And I was lost again, what am I doing??  This is soooo drastic, It's a possibility I might not even get cancer!  might.... maybe? small chance... 

So I turned in my paperwork to my supervisor and HR, I was thinking I had already talked to them both and they didn't say anything like "OMG Amanda you have breast cancer?!?!"  So I didn't even think about it until I was leaving HR and I realized I had talked to her about my autoimmune thing but I didn't think I had talked to her about my Genetic mutation.

I stopped in to see my cousin (who I work with) a couple offices down, and told her what my concern was, I don't want to mislead people into thinking I do have breast cancer, but I'm assuming this is standard for the surgeon to write for these purposes, but I felt so bad, and I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me, thinking I had cancer.  So she talked me through it (she's really great), and I turned around, went back into the HR office and  pointed to the my paperwork "I need you to know, I DON'T have breast cancer, I have a genetic mutation that gives me an 84% risk of getting breast cancer, and based on family history, probably in next few years, I just don't want you thinking I have breast cancer right now"  To which she responded with sympathy and compassion and asked me questions about the procedure, out of curiosity (that she quickly followed by saying I didn't have to answer, but I did).  We ended by joking about how I was a little bummed that I couldn't get giant boobs out of the deal.  She assured me that no one else would see the actual paperwork and I didn't have to tell anyone anything I didn't want to. She's good at that HR stuff.

I then made sure my supervisor knew as well, I DON'T have breast cancer!!  He understood, and It was a relief to know he actually hadn't thought I did because as soon as he saw the paperwork, he remembered me talking to him about the gene and the risk a few weeks ago.  It was nice to know that he knew I DON'T have breast cancer, but he still insisted (with some sincerity) that if there is anything I need or anything they could do to help, just to reach out. Plus, I'm much more comfortable knowing that my work knows and we're going to figure out how to cover everything while I'm gone.  I had really dreaded telling them.

Those were some dark moments for me between the time I picked up that paperwork and when I went back to clarify my situation with them. But again, at the end of the day, I'm doing the right thing. 

That's right - I DON'T have breast cancer, and I'm going to do what I need to in order to prevent it!

(and I'll just keep telling myself that...)

Swinging back the other way!

So right now I'm feeling good about my decision again.  I kind of feel like a swinging pendulum (on a clock).  Its not that I feel completely different on either side.  I still have the same thoughts and concerns, it's just a matter of which are stronger feelings at any given point in time.

I added a countdown clock to the blog.  I was feeling like October 4th is really close, but really to see when I added the countdown it's still 80 days away, made me feel a little better!!  Plus when I called to ask the plastic surgeons office a question, I told the lady on the phone who I was and she said, "oh yes, you're the one scheduled way out there".... yes I guess I am? I also got a call from the pre-op scheduler saying it's too early to actually schedule the hospital pre-op appointments so she'll be calling me back in a few weeks.

I also got a call from the breast surgeon on Wednesday.  I really love that she calls me directly and speaks to me personally rather than having a nurse or assistant call.  She was just wanting me schedule my MRI for September instead of July so that it is closer to the time of surgery.  She indicated that this way if the MRI was completely clear she'd be okay with not doing the sentinel node biopsy if I didn't want to.  I've already decided to go ahead and do it though, so that doesn't really make a difference.  But this will also provide an opportunity to meet with her again a week prior to surgery to review the MRI results and ask any other questions I have.  I feel like I should have a lot of questions still, but I don't really know what they are.  I'm kind of feeling like between my appointment with her the last week of September and my pre-op appointment with the plastic surgeon September 19th, I should have all my questions answered. 

The breast surgeon also offered to fill out my FMLA paperwork if I got the recommendation for recovery time from the plastic surgeon.  They're going to recommend up to 6 weeks.  I hope to get that all filled out and submitted by the end of this month, so we can start planning at work what they're going to do while I'm gone.  I'm hoping we can get my recently "reduced" employee to come in at least on a temporary basis since she's already trained (and I really wish she still worked with us anyway).  On a monthly delivery system like we have that means they'll basically have to go through one full cycle, prepare and start the next and be prepared for the third before I get back, if I'm gone for the full 6 weeks.  I'm fairly confident though that If we set things In place like I would recommend they would be okay.  Plus this should be around the time of a new software implementation that should (in theory) make some of that easier.