6 Months Post Mastectomy!

So 6 Months ago I was in the hospital my first night after my mastectomy dealing with my horrible arm pain, with no clue what was to come. 

Now that pain is competely gone luckily.  But geez this last 6 months has truly been unpleasant.  It could be worse though, and thats the important thing to remember, though it is hard for me to not think of how much happier I might have been with my results had I not had an infection. 

But really, who knows?  It wasn't like I ws particularly happy with them before I got the infection, but I still had hope of them being what I wanted them to be.

I had a happy surprise for my 6 month mark though!  I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon today, and he seemed really happy with how I was doing, and I got a fill!  WOOHOO!  Last appointment he had left me with very little hope, but now my hope is renewed... I know I'm still not getting the size I wanted originally, but atleast I might get a little bigger than I am now. 

We discussed how they're kind of like half filled bags of water... well exactly thats what they are he said.  When I lay on my side they do this weird wrinkle thing.  So that is partly because they're not full, and partly because my skin has kind of naturally stretched, so we weren't really filling to stretch my skin this time, but to fill the area thats there.  I asked if maybe between now and my surgery, my skin might stretch more "naturally" and be able to accomodate a bigger implant.  He thought that was unlikely, but he'll still TRY for the 350 cc implant (versus the 300). 

I also talked to him about how my left one is off center.  Its more towards the outside of my body than my right one, and I asked him if we could fix that in the exchange surgery.  He said we could TRY.  Good enough for me.  I know he doesn't want to build my expectations too high, as they tend to be very high to begin with.

New pictures posted of where I'm at and one showing the off center thing.

Funny (?)  thing, Its kind of hard to tell how numb something is by touching it yourself.  Because you can feel it with your fingers, but my nipples are TOTALLY numb.  My husband poked them today to see if I could feel. and NOTHING, if I hadn't been looking I would have no idea he was touching them at all. 

I've determined the discomfort I feel when getting a fill (which is very minor) must be the muscle reacting as the needle goes through it, because the skin does not feel the needle pierce it.

Anyway, these are all things I've been getting used to for the last 6 months, and really I feel the worst of it is is over and where I am at is not all that bad.  The pain is mostly gone.. I just get some pain on my sides (just below my armpits) when I do alot of work with my arms.  I can sleep on my sides and even on my stomach if I position the pillow/blankets right.  (I guess we'll see if thats any more difficult after this fill).  And even though I'm dealing with this autoimmune thing and scared about whats going on with that, the weight of the fear of breast cancer is off my shoulders. 

100 Days Since Mastectomy!

WOW!  ... Hmmm. It's not like I'm going to throw a party or reminisce over the good times.  But 100 days seems pretty substantial.  Its been 100 days since my boobs were removed and with them a huge weight on my shoulders (both figuritively and literally, HA!).  100 days I've spent relatively little time consumed with thoughts about cancer.  100 days I've looked in the mirror and seen something that is not familiar to me.  100 days of varied levels of discomfort. 

Well.  It doesn't end here.  I just hope the next 100 days are better than the first, and continue to reaffirm what the goal was.  100 days ago I removed my boobs and put up the "No Cancer Allowed" sign.

Maybe when it's been a year I'll feel like throwing a party.  Or better yet 10 years!  THAT will be the real milestone.

New Countdown! Surgery Scheduled!

I now have a new countdown on my page.  21 days until my surgery for getting my expanders put back in.  YAY!  That is Friday, January 27st.  I thought I'd have to wait atleast a few weeks longer, but this is just in 3 weeks!  The appointment today with the plastic surgeon went well obviously..  He said I looked healthy and he checked things out and said considering what we've gone through things look really good and he didn't see a reason why we couldn't go ahead with surgery as soon as I wanted and we could get it scheduled!  They even offered me January 13th which is only a week from tomorrow!  But the surgeon then pointed out that it is Friday the 13th and he's superstitious so he'd prefer not to do that day (he may have been joking) but that was a little too soon anyway!  I have to get things prepared at work and we have a big "thing" going on in 2 weeks, so I need to stay atleast through that.  It won't be too bad this time since it won't be nearly as long of a leave. 

We discussed the alloderm again and he really doesn't think it's worth the risk.  He's only used it one case of delayed reconstruction (which is what mine is considered now) and it was a different situation all together than what I'm thinking I'd want it for.  He thinks we can still achieve a reasonable size for me (and I'm pretty sure he knows what I want), and if we feel like there is a coverage issue (like need more tissue covering the implant) we can look into fat grafting... he told me to eat more icecream!  I explained that I'm already actually on the heavier side of where I've been weight wise in my life..  So we'll see. 

He said I'd have the drains again for about a week (bleh) and then at some point... maybe a couple weeks (?) we'll start doing the fills and fill for about 6 weeks, then they'll need to sit for a few months.  He's not going to have me take any antibiotics preemptively.  He was saying there some merrit in doing a long course of a particular antibiotic followed by a sulfa antibiotic, but we can't do that because I'm allergic to the sulfa.  But he doesn't think at this point that we really need to do anything differently than he would with someone without history.

This was good news.  I'm excited to get on to the next step towards being done with all this!  And I'll have boobs!!

3 Months Post PBM - Update

I was just responding to a post in a message board, and realized that tomorrow it will be 3 months since the PBM!  Whoa.  And it has been over 2 months since my surgery to remove the expanders which left me entirely boobless.  That is crazy!  I still have probably at least 6 weeks to go until my next surgery to get expanders put back in... I'll start scheduling that at my appointment on Thursday (day after tomorrow).  It's good to know that I'm on the downhill side of the boobless time.

So here is an update of how I am doing with this right now:

My arms are pretty much better.  They tire easily, and feel really weird if I hold them up for long periods of time.

My arm strength is improving.. I can carry my 4 year old.. though it takes more effort than it used to.

I have mostly the generally achy feeling I had before all this from the autoimmune inflammation, I do feel it more sometimes around my would be breast area, like little twinges from the skin and tissue that was affected.

I can sleep on my stomach!!! Yay!  I still mostly sleep on my sleep on my sides, but occasionally will slip onto my stomach..  I'm going to really enjoy this for the next 6 weeks, because I know I'll be stuck on my back once I get the expanders.

I still don't feel sexy... 

I imagine that once I have boobs, even weird expander boobs.. I'll probably feel totally sexy, like "look at me! I have boobs!"

The majority of the day I don't worry about my booblessness.  I've found a system that works for keeping the breast forms securely in place and most days (in most clothes) I don't even worry them.  There are some outfits I try to wear some days that cause me a little more concern.. I have to pull up my tank top once in a while to make sure there is no gap, though I've been assured that someone would have to be creepy to be peering down a tiny gap in my tank top (and they would deserve the unpleasant surprise of nothing there...).

The numbness under my arms seems to be decreasing.. it's still fairly substantial but definitely less than it was.

I tire easily, but I don't know if that is more related to the autoimmune thing, or the surgery... or the combination of both. 

I wore mascara today.  Success!!

Dancing Nipples & Update

Warning - the first part of this post might be TMI.

I was just out of the shower the other morning and I was putting lotion on my arms and legs, and I put the lotion on my hands then rubbed them together, and something caught my eye in the mirror.  I looked directly at the mirror and rubbed my hands together again - as I did so my nipples moved up and down on my chest(not in unison, but alternating..)  It took hardly any motion at all of my arms to make this happen. This of course prompted me to try different motions.  For example, I found that by just squeezing my hand a slight amount I can make my nipple jump about an inch.  It is weird.  I can entertain myself each morning post shower with a wacky nipple show. 

So It's been just over 2 months since my first surgery.  And really for most things I have to consider that I'm only today 6 weeks post op from the second surgery.  I wonder if I hadn't had the second surgery if this is how I would have felt 6 weeks post op.. except with boobs.  Actually I know I would have had a different kind of discomfort.  I would have had hard expander boobs, and that comes with it's own set of issues... that I still get to look forward to - yay. 

I know that I don't want everyone to know every little detail of my experience, but sometimes I'm frustrated that people don't know that this hasn't been easy.  A coworker mentioned that she knew someone else who had this surgery and everything went well and they were recovering just fine like I am.  And I'm certainly happy that person is recovering just fine, but part of me wants to say - "I'm not fine.  This has been really hard, and I'm still in pain, and I still have a LONG way to go."  But I don't.  I just smile and say "oh that's good!"

I'm happy with my timing of all this, I feel like the holidays and upcoming family birthdays (including my 30th!!!) are a good distraction.  I can't help but think of it when I'm dressing, and I frequently feel like I need to check that my fake boobs are in their proper place throughout the day, but I'm doing ok at not dwelling on it.  I think if it were summer I might have a much more difficult time as I'd want to be in lighter clothing and go swimming and all sorts of things that I don't know quite yet how I would manage...

So for an update on how I feel physically..

The pain in general has gotten slightly worse the past couple days and I'm not sure if I should be concerned.. I don't know why it would, but I'm pretty close to my "base level" of pain medication (where I was before the surgery with inflammation from the autoimmune and the lingering chest pain from my lung thing)  So that is good, it's just a little different.. I'm tired and it's hard to say whether that is fatigue from being post surgery or if its from the autoimmune thing or if it is still because of the surgery because of the autoimmune thing...

My arms and are almost completely better.. I only occasionally have little pains in my arms or hands.  My fingers are super sensitive though, like if they slip when I'm trying to open a bottle, that roughness of the lid rubbing against my fingers causes some pain.  Same with hot water, now that I actually feel hot water again... OUCH.  Even in the cold.. I don't remember ever  being such a wimp about my hands in the cold, but I can hardly stand driving glove less in the morning when my steering wheel is cold. 

The skin on my chest is strange.. parts are completely numb and other parts are constantly sensitive and sore  Like the where my cleavage would be if I had boobs still.. that skin is super sensitive, as well as the skin on my ribs surrounding the outter edges of where my boobs would be.  I was disappointed to find that I still had "breast tenderness" with my period.  I had hoped that would go away.. no such luck, pain definitely picked up when I got hormonal.

I can lay on my sides, but because my sides are partly numb/partly sensitive, it takes some work and special positioning of soft blankets to get the position to be comfortable.  but I am soooo glad to not be stuck on my back! (though I know this will come again when I get the expanders back).  I can only occassionlly sleep on my stomach.. its pretty much luck if I just happen to roll into a comfy position, but most of the times when I try, I am not successful. 

I'm working of lifting more and doing more with my arms and muscles.  I'm not working too hard at it because I know they'll just get messed up again, but I'm building towards functioning at a semi normal level and being able to do basic stuff like open doors and jars and staple stuff and use a hole punch, and carry shopping bags (it IS almost Christmas after all.. and I have ALOT of shopping to do) and pull my daughter onto my lap or help her off tall play equipment if she gets stuck (which involves her putting most of her weight around my neck).  So it's coming along, but I'm not training for any weight lifting championships or anything.

So that's that.  I'm getting progressively better everyday, and its a bummer that I'll have to get worse again before I'm done, but for now at least I can find some enjoyment in the silly things that have come about with this - like dancing nipples.

Feeling... flat.

At my appointment yesterday the Surgeon told me I no longer need to wear the breast binder.  My husband took me to a local mastectomy apparel/wig shop. I hoped for the strength to not cry, since just over a week ago I had a total meltdown just trying to call one of these shops. I managed to handle it ok while we were there. 

I tried on a number of camisoles.  The ones that were really soft were too high around the neck and didn't hold the forms very well.  I ended up with a not so comfy purple stretchy tank top with lace on the bottom and a set of shaped forms.  Just FYI - apparently forms don't come in pairs...  the ones I bought came individually (i guess I'm lucky she found two that matched!)

It seemed kind of like wigs were more of their specialty as they didn't seem to have much apparel selection, but they were in the process of relocating their store so they were in a bit of disorder.

I cried most of the way home.  And then for a little while after we got home.  My husband was really good about it, he accepted that I just felt like crying and I didn't want to talk about it.  He actually encouraged me to "get it out" and put on mood appropriate music.

I had thought that once I didn't have drains, and didn't have to wear the binder I could buy things to wear that would make me look normal again. I should have realized that looking normal isnt the same as feeling normal. And even looking "normal" is still different than how I used to look or how I would look if I had boobs - even weird expander boobs.

My chest is so hard. The lower half of each breast is as hard as my breastbone and the skin seems thinner. I imagine it might be better to be in this state with out the preserved skin and nipples, because then it would be smoother. What I have now really kind of freaks me out. I don't like to look at it or touch it. When my finger accidently pokes the hard area like when I'm dressing, it kind of gives me that nails on chalkboard feeling. Even though much of the area is numb, some of the skin is really sensitive to clothes rubbing, so it feels best if I wear something tight and soft and even then I still put in the soft nursing pads.

When we went out to eat and I was wearing my camisole and forms under my regular college gameday attire I felt like I looked normal, however the feeling I had was like when my boobs were sore prior to starting my period, but there are no boobs there! It's just really bizarre. By time we got home I was very eager to get it all off (which is still challenging with my arm/shoulder pain and mobility issues - I totally understand my 4 year old daughters frustration when she gets a tight shirt stuck halfway off her head and arms and needs help getting it off).

Last night I did a lot of web surfing looking at different kinds of forms and searching for things like "mastectomy lingerie" and "modest apparel" (HA!) There's not a lot out there.... this may be tmi for some readers, but I'd really like to find a bra or lingerie or combination of something that I could maybe feel mildly sexy in, I don't think I'll be feeling sexy while nude until I get some boobs again. I think if for some reason I couldn't get reconstruction, I would atleast have the surgeon remove the excess skin (and maybe even the nipples) to smooth things out. But for now, as unattractive as it is, its important for a good reconstruction result.

This is only temporary. In a few months I can start reconstruction again and get expanders in. Just right now that feels like a really long time.

Drain Free...Again!

My drains were removed at my appointment today.  Yay!!!

I told the nurse I really wanted them out and she obviously said something to the surgeon because he came in and said "so I hear there will be a rebellion if we don't take these drain out?"  I said "maybe..." so he said we might compromise and checked things out, and thought it looked good so he gave the ok to the nurse to take them out. 

On the down side (and this must be the compromise he mentioned) I have to wear my tightest breast binder (and make it tighter if possible) for another week.  This is to make sure the breast skin firmly "sticks" to the chest wall which will somehow make things better when we go in to replace the expanders, its also important to not have "pockets" because pockets have greater potential to stow away bacteria, which could hang out there until the expander goes in and then cause another infection!  I will do my best to follow his advise.. I did before too, but I am watching like a hawk!  I pointed out a tiny red spot ony incision I've been watching and he said it was fine it's just a little irritated by the stitch that is there.  He said if I have any fluid build up to call and they'll get me in right away and its really easy to just use a needle and draw it out.  Otherwise, I will see him again Friday.  This is 1 week since my surgery to remove my expanders and 4 weeks tomorrow since my mastectomy, this will be the longest I've gone between appointments.   Having the drains out makes me a little nervous, but I'm on major antibiotics and I don't have any foreign body in me we need to hang on to, but man, I just imagine I will be super nervous when I have expanders again.

Anyway.. I should be drain free for a couple months now.   And I am happy to say that removing them this time was no where near as unpleasant as I anticipated it being.  I hardly felt it.  Unfortunately it didn't improve my arm/underarm discomfort as much as I thought it would, but it did help a little.  I guess these are going to be things that take time to resolve.  Once everything is done I will request a referral for physical therapy if It's not fully back to normal by then.

I took a nap on the couch today and got up without much difficulty.  I think tomorrow I will return to sleeping in bed, probably until the next surgery.

Happy Halloween!

Trying Really Hard

I am really working on trying to get a grip.  It feels like a nightmare.  I just have to accept that I'm already awake and figure out how to move forward. 

I really think when I get these horrible drains out I will feel a lot better.  I will be able to wear regular clothing, without looking like I'm smuggling something.  Ha! I worry when I go into a store that someone will see my lumpy sweatshirt and think I am trying to steal something.  Wouldn't they be surprised if I showed them!

Once I can wear regular clothes and don't have the drains I hope to go to a local mastectomy apparel store.

Apparently I have to wait like 2 months to get prosthetic breasts, and it seems it is quite the process.  I have to get a prescription from my doctor and then go in for a special fitting appointment.  Both the place that does these and my doctor say I have to be very well healed (about 2 months) before doing this, and by then I really had hoped we would be very soon having the expanders replaced... so I guess we will see.

But anyway, I was somewhat disheartened by this news I would have to wait 2 months when I'm going back to work in 2 weeks!  Right now I'm stuffing a tank top over my breast binder with a combination of surgical dressing and nursing pads which is semi adequate for the casual outing to a store or sitting around in a sweatshirt.. but certainly won't do for professional dress (or anything other than a sweatshirt really).

My understanding is the store I want to go to has post surgical bras and camisoles, that have lightweight "forms" and are suitable to wear while healing.  Hopefully having something like that to wear will help me feel a little better. 

I think one day when this is behind me, I will do some breast binder burning.

While I look forward to the drains being out, I really dread them actually coming out.  I know from last time that it hurts, and with these ones being bigger and seemingly more encased by my skin, and up in my armpits..(ugh...gives me the heebiejeebies - side note - I've never used that phrase before), I just imagine this will be much worse than last time!!  Can't they give me nitrous or something, like at the dentist??  I wonder if they've ever thought of that. 

Anyway, I think I'm doing better each day, very small increments, and I have to remind myself once in while that I did just have my second surgery in a month less than a week ago...it is okay to be tired.  I've had a major physical change and its okay to be unhappy about it.  I'm really hoping that soon I will be able to look at this as just a setback.

Relief

I was really worried before the surgery that I would wake up from the surgery and feel deformed and devastated by my "loss". 

I'll admit when I was in the hospital before my plastic surgeon came in, I was afraid to look at my chest.  I didn't want to face what I had done quite yet.  I didn't get a real good look until the plastic surgeon came in and opened it all up and my sister in law snapped some pictures.  It was kind of strange...  I wouldn't say I felt nothing... but pretty close to nothing.  Most of my thought at that moment was about how my sister inlaw probably didn't expect them to look that bad.

I cried once in the hospital.  (well twice, but I'm not counting when I woke up in pain in recovery, I'm talking about afterwards..)  I was just overwhelmed.  It wasn't really even about my boobs.  I was really scared about my arms, I was so afraid that I would be permanently disabled.

But now that my arms are back to almost normal (still lack some feeling in my left arm and some of my finger tips), I really have no regrets.  My right nipple was trying to die off - it turned black and flattened out and was really weird looking, and I was not to happy about that, but I figured I had a back up plan.  If one died, I could just get the other removed and get reconstructed nipples that matched.. lots of women who have mastectomies do that. 

I have to really look at them at least twice a day.  I have to clean the incisions and put burn cream on them, and cover them with bandages.  I do so carefully, like I'm nurturing them somehow.  I am sometimes weirded out by my lack of emotion about it all.  Should I be disturbed by how unpleasant they look?  Should I be crying all the time?  Should I feel a great loss over the beautiful breasts I once had?  I don't know...  Maybe it's because I had so long to plan this and prepare and felt all these emotions before hand?  Maybe I'm still numb... maybe the anesthesia hasn't worn off the emotionall part of my brain.  Maybe once my tummy functions get back on track so will my emotions?? 

As I keep saying - it is what it is.  There is a reason I did this and I still believe in it.  For now I just feel relief that the waiting is over, and relief that I don't feel any of those feelings I dreaded prior to surgery.

Drains....

So today is 10 days post-op.  I had high hopes for getting my drains out today at my appointment with the plastic surgeon.  On Monday he had said it would be a possibility.  He wanted them filling with 25ccs or less over a 24 hour period.  So yesterday I was pretty sure I wouldn't get them removed today because I had 25 in one and 30 in the other.  I still was hopeful however because on message boards some people talk about getting them out when they're down to 30.  But no such luck.  He told me we'd shoot for next Wednesday.   So that's 5 more days!!!

If you aren't familiar with drains, They are JP Drains. Here is a picture... not mine - don't worry, I'm not posting pictures of my personal boob paraphernalia quite yet.

So the thick white part is "the Drain" and it is inside my body wrapped around the outer edges of my former breast. 

You can actually see it if you look at my chest, the skin is raised up around it, it's kind of creepy.  Then all that tubing hangs out of my body and the fluid build up runs through those tubes into the bulb. 

I have one on each side.  The holes the tubing comes out of are on my sides... if you are a woman and wear a bra it is in line with the back strap of a bra just outside of where an underwire would fall.

At first we had to empty the drains a few times a day, then we shifted to twice a day, and now I'm just doing it once a day.  Fluid and other bodily material sometimes gets backed up in the tubing, so when its time to empty the bulb I must also squeeze out the tubing.  Then we measure and record the fluid and flush it down the toilet!

So the bulbs hang out rather awkwardly around my waist.  They have to be pinned to something (I use a lanyard) to keep the weight of them from pulling at where they're stitched into my body.  I try to keep them concealed by keeping them stuffed under my shirt which makes me look like I have a weird lumpy pregnant belly.  Sometimes if I'm just hanging out at the house, I put a fuzzy sock over the bulbs.  It still looks weird, but I'm trying to protect my family from the grossness of it.  Better to see a weird fuzzy sock hanging out of my shirt than a plastic bulb filled with bodily fluid. 

So as you can imagine, even if I really felt like going somewhere and doing something, I'd kind of prefer to not do so until the drains out.  So far other than going to the plastic surgeon's office, I've only ventured once to grocery store and twice to the pharmacy.

I WANT THEM OUT.

But I am willing to deal with them as long as it takes for my plastic surgeon to think it's ideal to take them out.  I need to look at the big picture.  At this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get the best possible outcome.  I'd rather deal with these dumb drains another MONTH if it would mean the best outcome possible.  Luckily I won't have to wait that long for sure!  There comes a point that they become an infection risk, and they'll pull them out no matter what.  So there is an end in sight...

Recovering at Home

I came home from the hospital Thursday afternoon.  My husband set up our comfy recliner with a sheet and my blue fuzzy blanket.  With the addition of two pillows for my arms it is quite comfortable!  Up until today I was taking my pain medication every 2 hours.  Last night I switched to 3 hours (or when I woke up),   It seemed to go okay, so I will continue on this schedule for a day or so, continuing to try to decrease the narcotics.

I was allowed to shower right away, which surprised me because I had read many places about not being allowed to shower until the drains were out.  So when I got home I took a shower, and my husband assisted with washing my hair.  It felt wonderful to be CLEAN.  He also took care of the drains up until Sunday night when I felt I could/should take that over.

I'm really looking forward to getting the drains out.  They're kind of annoying and pretty gross.  They are these tubes that are hooked up to something that wraps around my breast (on the inside) and dangled about a foot or so out of my body on each side to these bulbs where the fluid collects.  Twice a day we have to "strip the drains"  where we lotion our fingers and squeeze all the fluid/clots sitting in the tube into the bulb, then we have to empty the bulb and measure and record the fluid that was inside.  UGH.

At my most recent appointment with the plastic surgeon he thought we could get them out maybe on friday.. My husband interpreted things a little different, as in *maybe* on Friday, but more likely on Monday.  I really hope it's Friday.

He also suggested that I wear a bra, but specifically he wanted me to wear something supportive under my breast but loose around the nipple, so like an old bra should work.  Unfortunately I no longer have any good supportive bras that aren't a miraculous bra, but I found a couple old nursing bras, and they're working for now.

My right nipple is struggling to survive.  It's really scary looking, it's all dark red/purple, kind of  blackish... So I have to clean it twice a day and thickly apply a burn cream to the nipple and surrounding skin.  I think it is starting to look slightly better and the plastic surgeon seemed more optimistic about it when he saw it yesterday.

The expanders are strange, each breast has one of these expanders and they're basically the same circumference of my old breasts, but without the filling.  So they're big around but rather flat.  Apparently they had removed 500 grams of breast tissue from my left breast, and 450 from the right (the left was bigger..) then he filled about 200-250 grams into the expanders at the time of surgery, so right now my breasts are about half the mass that they were prior to surgery. 

They are really strange though.  They're HARD, and they don't move.  So it kind of feels like they're in my armpit when I try to lower my arms.  I'm assuming that is only going to get worse as we start filling them up.

I mentioned my arms and the numbness in the last post.  They've improved quite a bit.  I have almost full use of my fingers and thumbs back, but from the pointer finger to the thumb of each hand still have a tingly pain in them and my left arm still won't full extend.  It seems to get better each day, though the improvement seems to have slowed... But I am sooo happy it didn't stay where it was, that would have been life changing, in a very negative way!

Anyway, now that it doesn't make me dizzy to sit at the computer, I'll try to post more frequently.

Recap of Surgery Day and Hospital Stay

Tuesday, October 4th, I woke early to shower with the special hibiclense soap given to me by the plastic surgeon.  I was impressed with how smooth it made my skin feel, despite it's extreme medicinal smell.  We woke up the kids and got the youngest ready and my husband was in the car ready to take her to daycare when my mom pulled in the drive way to take me to the hospital. 

Once we all got to the hospital we went up to the second floor and waited only a few minutes before they called me back to go to the presurgery area around 7 am.  This presurgery area was set up similar to some emergency room areas I've seen, where it's just a little room with the front wall being a curtain.  It seemed really busy and there was not much privacy.  I had to explain to this nurse the whole autoimmune thing, why I'm taking the medication I'm taking and so forth.  Then the anesthesiologist came in and asked similar questions.  They then brought my husband and mom back to the room to hang out with me.  I had already been drawn on by the plastic surgeon so the nurse and anesthesiologist decided I could have some relaxing medicine.



Maybe the best picture of me since Tuesday October 4th!!  Nice huh.



I remembered very little from there.  I know that the breast surgeon stopped in, but I don't remember what we talked about.  I was mentally prepared to go awake into the operating room, but I really don't even remember falling asleep.  I was there with my mom and husband and then suddenly...

I was waking up, having a hard time opening my eyes, and my arms were in excruciating pain.  I was crying and I couldn't move my arms at all.  They were asking me what my pain level was at, and I told them a 10, and tried to explain to them that I couldn't move my arms and it felt like they were being crushed.  They put my glasses on for me which was nice, so I could see who I was talking to and differentiate people who were new from people who had been there continuously.  It was difficult for them to get the pain down. They would feed me icechips.  They finally got me pillows to put my arms on and that started to help.  I felt like they thought of me as needy, but I was really scared about my arms and the pain meds they kept giving me didn't seem to be working well enough.  I was in there awake for about an hour and a half that I remember anyway, until they finally got my pain to a bearable level and moved me to my room.

Once in my room they tried taking my vitals and put the blood pressure cuff on my arm, but as soon as it started filling up it hurt so bad I asked them to stop, and they seemed surprised.  From then on I instisted that they did it on my leg, which I did have to remind them them of a couple times as they approached my arms. 

My mom and husband were in the room waiting for me along with some beautiful flowers from my ex mother inlaw.  My mom and husband filled me in on what they had been told about the surgery - I was on the table for 7 hours, everything had gone well.  The lymph node biopsies were negative, and they didn't see anything abnormal in the breast tissue.  No Cancer!

Later that evening the nurses had called an anesthesiologist to come in and talk to me about my arms.  I was really worried that it was lymphedema or some severed muscle or nerves.  I was scared that it could be permanent and how life changing that would be.  His explanation at the time was that it was likely from the position I was in as they operated.  They had my arms strapped down over my head for the entire 7 hours with out moving them.  Apparently during long surgeries the patients arms are periodically moved to avoid this, but in my case with them operating under my arms and then so closely to them, they didn't move them like they mornally would.  He said they would keep an eye on it and someone would check with me in the morning

I had difficulty pretty much the entire hospital stay with the nurses and pain meds.  For some reason they were having trouble getting drugs from the pharmacy, and had to override something, and it seemed to be a big hassle for them.  Late in the first night I expressed that the demoral (sp) didn't seem to be working enough and asked to try something else.  They said we could try the oral "roxies" and that those should last longer and then they could use demoral for the "breakthrough pain".  They allowed me 1-3 Roxies every 4 hours.  The problem was that they got the pain down maybe only a 4 at best and then wore off after 3 hours and took atleast 30 minutes to kick in, and when I asked the nurses for the demoral they seemed to think it shouldn't be necessary and kept reitterating it was just for "breakthrough pain" and I shouldn't be taking it on a regular schedule.  The night nurse that first night finally came around and we got a system down, plus she finally realized that I couldn't use my arms and would give me the pills one at a time in my mouth as my husband held the water with a straw for me to drink from.

The day after surgery, the new nurse was far worse about the pain meds than the first one.   When the plastic surgeon came in he asked if the breast surgeon had been in to see me and what she said about me leaving.  The nurse then chimed in and said she had talked to her on the phone and she had said I was fine to go home if that was okay with him.  And he was obviously aware enough of my situation to realized I was not ready to go home and quite pointedly told the nurse that they weren't going to kick me out.  We needed to get my pain under control and it clearly wasn't.  He then said I could have as many Roxies as I needed.  If 3 didn't work, I could try 4 and if 4 didn't work I could 5, and if 5 didn't work I could have 6, and so on.  So at that point I was somewhat irritated that they had been so stingy on the meds the first night.  He also reitterated that the arm numbness and pain was probably from the position I was in during surgery, but the fact that I could move my fingers indicated it wasn't a severed nerve, but an overextended one and based on which fingers were numb he exactly which nerve was affected.  He said he didn't think it would take more than a couple days, but could possibly take weeks or even months.

The battle of meds continued with this nurse all day.  We established a schedule of taking 2 pills, then 2 hours later taking 3, then 2 hours later taking 2, and so on so that every 4 hours I was taking 5 without that lapse in time with them wearing off and waiting to kick in.  So seems like it wouldnt be a problem right?  well when it was due at 2, i would wait until like 2:15 and ring the nurses bell and a CNA would stick her head in and ask if I needed something, and I would say yes... my pain meds?  and then she'd say Okay I'll go ask your nurse... and then the nurse would come in like 10 minutes later and ask what I needed and I'd say "it's time for the pain meds". And she'd ask me what my pain level was at, and the day nurse would just put them in a cup and put it in front of me, and my husband had to give me the pills and the water, and she'd look at me like she didn't understand why I was being so pathetic.  (maybe I was a little over sensitive and assuming the worst).  as the day went on I gained a little more mobility in my right hand and was able to shakily pick up a pill between my pinky and thumb if they were placed on a flat surface.

It seemed like the day nurse was finally coming around when the shift change came and my nurse from the previous night was back.. I was happy to see her!

Enough about the nurses and meds - I think you get the picture.

My husband was absolutely amazing while we were in the hospital.  For each meal (the hospital I was at has great food and a huge menu)  he cut up my food, and even fed me the first 2 meals when I couldn't use my hands at all.  He'd help adjust my pillows under my arms.  And bring the straw of my icewater to my mouth so I could drink.  I have to say I was not thrilled about being in a position where this level of care was necessary, but he performed this level of care with out making me feel humiliated by it.  I was really impressed with him. (still am impressed).  He'd scratch when I itched and helped with my first non shower bathing, he really went above and beyond, I really beleive he meant the vows, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.  He's a great guy.

I was happy to have visitors, I enjoyed having people to visit with and it gave my husband opportunities to go home and shower and do things with the kids without leaving me alone (with the crazy nurses).

Initially I had thought it would be a 3 day hospital stay, so when they told me I would leave the next day I was shocked!  And I ended up not leaving the next day because of my numbness in my hands and my uncontrolled pain, but I tell you what - on the second day, once they pain was okay and I could semi use my hands, I was totally ready to get the heck out of there!!

I'll try to post more tomorrow, to bring events up to date.  I'm also going to see about creating a picture diary and attaching it to the blog, but having it separate so that if you don't want to see pictures you can still read the blog.

Goodnight.

1 week to go

So a week from now I will probably be taking my night before shower with my special soap the plastic surgeon gave me.  This is probably going to be the longest week ever!  And maybe the shortest when it's done (funny how that works).

I had my hospital preop and my breast surgeon preop today.  I found out all the details  OH Shoot, i just realized I forgot a question I meant to ask.  Is it even worth asking if it doesn't make a difference?  Hmmm maybe I'll email her.... ANYWAY, I guess I found out almost all the details.

Monday afternoon I will go into the hospital to "Nuc Meds" to get radioactive dye injected into each of my breasts.  I will then hang out for a couple hours while the dye travels it's way through my breast tissue to my lymph nodes to identify "The Sentinel Node(s)".  They will then do some scans to insure the injections did their job.

Tuesday morning, I will go to the rear entrance (ER entrance) of the hospital at 7am and use my "Express Admit" aka "Hall Pass" to go up to the second floor and get things started for my surgery time of 9am. 

Basically what I was told by the nurse at preop is that a nurse will come in and have me change my clothes and ask me a bunch of questions, then anesthesia will come in and give me an IV and ask me a bunch of questions, at some point my surgeons will come in and draw on me and see how i'm doing, then I'll get something in my IV to relax me, we'll go to the operating room and get me situated on the table and next thing I know I'll be waking up 8 hours later with nurses asking me a bunch of questions.  I'll spend an hour in recovery and then be taken to my room where my family can join me. 

Not sure how I feel about having to be awake going into the operating room... Now that I'm really concentrating on it I do have some vague memory of it now with my other general anesthesia surgeries.. kind of creepy.

So the for the 8 hours of surgery - I really have 7 1/2 if everything takes exactly how long they said it would.  So 45 minutes for sentinel node biopsy for each side (1 1/2 hours total).  Then 1 1/2 hours per breast for the mastectomy (3 hours).  And 1 1/2 hours per breast for expander placement reconstruction (3 hours).

There was a moment in the hospital today that I was a little concerned... The preop nurse was looking through my stuff and said "okay so on Tuesday we're going to be doing bilateral reconstructive surgery with expander placement with Dr. W?".  and I thought a minute and realized they had only ever to that point mentioned the plastic surgeon.  so I said "after I have a bilateral mastectomy with Dr. P...."  and she looks surprised and looks at the paper and says "Oh what, you're doing both at the same time??"   "yes....."  Then she found the other surgery paperwork and all was good.  Had me a little worried though for a minute (thank goodness for preop - I'd prefer to avoid that kind of confusion on surgery day!)

My hormones are out of whack... probably the stress.  It feels like boobs are aching in anticipating of this.  They are incredibly sore.  A friend pointed out today that after next week I won't have this problem anymore!  Way to find the silver lining!   That works for me.  I just need to get through this week without losing my mind.

Scars

Check out The Scar Project:  http://www.thescarproject.org/  and on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI5w6Bv5eZs

I can hear a couple of you asking, "so what does this make you feel?" (or something along those lines).  Well, it makes me feel lucky.  My understanding is these women had/have cancer.  Sure I have an extremely high risk of cancer, but I don't actually have it actively trying to kill me.  I don't have to go through radiation or chemo and be sick and have pain from the treatment and lose my hair.  I'll have recovery from the surgery, and I'll have my scars, and that's it - I'm lucky.

My cousin mentioned one day that she intended to comment to one of my posts something about scars telling a story.  I've thought about that a lot, and determined that whatever she was going to comment (which she never did) was probably profound and something I'd like to elaborate on.

We all have scars.  I'm not sure about you, but I know I've had at least a couple experiences with comparing scars and telling scar stories.  And now that I've really thought about it... the scars have stories, but the scars also do tell part of the story about us.

I have 2 distinct scars on my forehead from when I had chicken pox as when I was 2 years old.  I've always hated them and been self conscious about them.  But I remember when I was sick and the daycare had me in the office waiting for my mom to pick me up and I played with a little box that mooed when I turned it over.

I have a little scar on my hand where my grandmother accidentally burned me with a cigarette when I was probably around 6.  She used to save bags of coins that she would give to my brother and I.  She gave him the nickles (because he was older) and she gave me the pennies.  She just happened to be holding the cigarette in her shaky hand when she was handing me the bag.  I remember that her room smelled like cigarettes and old lady lipstick.  I still find the smell rather comforting.  When we'd spend the night there I'd sometimes sleep in her bed and she'd sing "You are my sunshine"

I have a scar on my knee from when I was 8 where I fell off my bike down a hill in some gravel and some stranger carried me home.  I was a free spirit in that little town.  I went everywhere and I was fearless.  I was tough.  I have a picture of me  wearing my swimsuit later that day with my friends, my knee was still bleeding - no band aid!

I have stretch marks (which are scars) on my stomach and my breasts and my hips and my thighs and even my calves from when I gained an incredible amount of weight in my first pregnancy.  My young body just wasn't prepared to stretch that way (and I probably ate for 4 instead of 2)!  But I got a beautiful (large) and healthy baby girl out of the deal.  Those stretchmarks remind me of both the childhood I gave up as well as the child I was blessed with.

Then there is my c-section scar.  I had a dream shortly after my second daughter was born via emergency c-section where I was in a room with my mom and my exhusbands wife and the 3 of us were comparing our c-section scars, and it felt like a ritual of some sort to bond us in our motherhood.  Like we've experienced the same thing, we are mothers, we had our bodies cut open to deliver/save our babies, we understand each other.   That scar reminds me how scary it was to think I could lose this life inside me.  It reminds me what a gift it is to give life and how precious and fragile that life is.

So then there are my mastectomy scars.  They are yet to be seen, but what I hope for is that they'll remind me how lucky I am, and the story they'll tell is that I said "NO!" to Cancer.  I was given a gift from those who tragically didn't have this opportunity.  They gave me the knowledge and thus the opportunity to empower myself and hopefully stop it before it even starts.  They gave me the opportunity to see my children grow up, and live my life, and someday be a crazy old lady telling stories about all these scars on my body!

The Plastic Surgeon - Pre-op

Today I had my pre-op appointment with the plastic surgeon.  He was much more personable this time.  I didn't get alot of new information.  We discussed again the location of the incision.  He still thinks it's too risky to do the incision under the breast, so under the nipple and out each side an inch or so.   

As required, I've stopped taking my anti-inflammatory medication, so hopefully it doesn't get too bad, but that's what the hydrocodone is for right?!  I mentioned that to him too and he said that is fine, that what that means to him is that I may just need more (higher dose?) of the pain meds after surgery, since my body is accustomed to taking them.

I had read lots of places about patients being prescribed anti-anxiety medication for the night before and morning of the surgery, he said he doesn't do that because he wants to ensure the patient can stand up when he needs to draw on them, (which he'll do the morning of the surgery).. so okay.  I've had surgery before with out anti-anxiety meds.  I can do it again!

He did ease one of my concerns by saying the expanders would be partially filled at the time of surgery.  So I won't wake up complete flat chested!  They'll need to somewhat fill out the skin that is left behind.  Then after a few weeks we'll start fills, which if I'm remembering correctly I believe he said weekly.  Then after we achieve the size we want, we'll leave the expanders in for probably about 3 months before having the exchange surgery, to (silicone - yay) implants.

He said we'd kind of have to play the reconstruction by ear.  We'll have to wait and see what my body will tolerate before we can know what kind of results to expect. 

Of course, this was the time when we had to read, and be told, all the horrible things that could happen.  Ranging from having scars (duh?) to deadly infections and multiple surgeries, skin dying, and bleeding risks, and the potential to need to take muscle and skin from my back to repair damage (yikes!).  But I know all this.  Nothing surprising.  Having months to prepare has definitely given me time to look up and read about pretty much anything you can dream of related to this procedure.  I know what the potential is.  I'm just hoping for the best! 

I am willing my body to have the best recovery possible.  I want to impress him with my amazing healing!  When I had my VATS lung biopsy the doctors were very impressed with my healing at my follow up, (but then they mentioned they are used to seeing patients in their 60s and 70s at these types of things... who don't typically heal quite as nicely as 29 year old...)

Interestingly he also pointed out the slight asymmetry of my breasts... apparently the left one is slightly larger than the right.  I know most people (if not all?) have at least this slight difference, but I had always thought mine were VERY close.  but sure enough after he pointed it out, I could tell.  I wonder if part of pointing this out feeds into the overall need to understand that I didn't have perfect breasts to begin with and shouldn't expect them to be perfect when we're done.  Which of course I understand.  I get it - I'm cutting open my breasts and removing their substance, to have them sewn back together containing something unnatural.  I get that they won't be as glorious as the ones I grew naturally.  But again I'm hoping for the best....considering....

I'm more than my boobs!

I was talking with my cousin today, about the kind of grieving process I'm going through with this, and I commented something about boobs being a part of my identity.  and she told me, "you are more than your boobs".   (sorry if this was not the exact quote.. this is the quote in my memory right now and it works)  And yes.  When you look at it that way.. I am!    Boobs are great and all... and I love mine, but there are definitely more important things, not just in life in general, but about me as a person!  It's not like I'm losing my feet, or my hands, or my eyes, or my LIFE.   Seriously, I'm back on the band wagon!    Just 33 more days to go...

Roller Coaster

Today was kind of rough for me mentally.  I was heating up my leftover breakfast burrito for lunch in the microwave at work, when suddenly I had this vision of the mastectomy animation I watched on YouTube.  It wasn't graphic or anything, but the idea of them basically cutting my breast in half, taking out the insides and putting in foreign stuff (the alloderm and expander) only to have to do it again to get the actual implant... ugh. 

It seemed so unreal that I was actually going to do that.  Then I had visions of the scars and stitched up incisions across my chest in place of breasts, and it was just too much to fathom.  No way was I actually doing this!  I had to settle down a bit... "Calm down Amanda, you're just freaking out... get the food out of the microwave and get back to work".  (I said this in my head.. not out loud). 

So I did okay at pushing out the thoughts the rest of the day.  I was super busy at work.  There was enough drama today without bringing my boobs into it!

Then on the way home I couldn't stop thinking about it again.  Felt like some weird stages of grief or something.. I was thinking am I in denial?  Is this the disbelief stage?  I had to remind myself, I'm doing this to avoid cancer.  I started feeling nauseous.  There were the 2 sides of me having this conversation

"You saw those women at the meeting, some of them had cancer and they're doing fine now!"

"Ya, but they still had to have mastectomies and weren't able to do immediate reconstruction and had to go through chemo!"

"Ya, but they didn't know about the mutation before hand, you do, you can find it earlier!"

"Maybe I can!  But maybe I won't!"

"Maybe you won't get cancer at all!!"

"But maybe I will, PROBABLY I will, and maybe I won't find it early enough, and maybe I don't want to be afraid all the time!"

Again, this is in my head - not out loud.  (no need to lock me up yet).

I'm scared now.  I'm afraid of the scars.  I also really for the first time considered what if they find cancer in the surgery.  I've acknowledged it as a possibility, but I hadn't *really* thought about it.  What if they find out I have cancer, and I can't keep my nipples, or worse I wake up without the expanders!   What if after the surgery I go to bed every night and wake up horrified at my scars and that this wasn't some crazy dream. 

I'm having a hard time with the bigger picture right now even though I KNOW - I'm potentially saving my life.  This is the right thing...  I'm sure I'll think so again tomorrow. (hopefully I think so the day after surgery).  

Oy... 36 more days of this roller coaster!  No wonder I'm nauseous.  Get me off this ride!! 

Telling People

As this situation has progressed I've needed to inform various people of certain aspects of everything.  Its been easiest to talk to the people closest to me - I've kept them informed the entire time.  From the time I said, I'm going to get the genetic test done, I've been updating these people - my parents, my husband, my sister, my cousin, and a couple friends.  So as something new develops it's just a little update I need to provide - no big deal.

But recently I've had to tell people who have not been part of this journey to date, such as my daughters grandmother, I've mentioned this situation a few times in previous blogs, but I finally got together with her and explained it all.  Luckily (?) when you say "let's go to lunch sometime, theres something I need to talk to you about" that something comes out a little more naturally than it would just randomly out of the blue dropping it on someone.  It was still difficult, and I realized I had to provide alot of the filler information to get from point A to point B.  I can't just say I'm BRCA2 positive so I'm having a mastectomy. 

I also experimented (not intentionally) with just dropping it on someone when I told a not so close coworker at our weekly meeting.  I'm not sure why I told him, he's the head of another department, and our departments rely heavily on one another.  If he was my supervisor I definitely would have told him, and honestly I needed to tell him I was going to be gone for an extended period of time, he's shared alot of his own medical things with me, anyway, I started out saying I will be gone from the beginning of October through the middle of November, and of course he looks confused, so I tell him it's a medical thing. Then he looks concerned, and I've already learned that I don't want people to think I have cancer when I don't, plus I know what curiousity is like, and I kind of feel like telling everyone so that while I'm gone they're not gossiping and when I get back they're not staring at me trying to figure it out.  so I just told him, "I have a genetic thing that has increased my risk of breast cancer to 84% so I'm having preventative surgery."  We exchanged some fairly awkward dialog on the subject, and then went back to what we were meeting about to begin with. 

It becomes easier and easier to discuss.  I think sometimes people expect me to be emotional and display my fear, and maybe cry a little bit.  I wonder if when I don't, they think I have blinders on to what will happen, or that I don't understand the magnitude of what I'm going to do to my body, or what it means for my future.  But it's like anything else I've dealt with really... You can't live in that state constantly.  I am (sometimes) scared.  I do (sometimes) cry.  It's honestly enough that it occupies my mind the way it does, I can't allow it to also have me in a constant emotional state.  I just don't think one can function properly like that, and while all this is going on, I still have a job to do and family that depend on me to be sane.

I Don't Have Breast Cancer!!!

This has been an interesting week.  I had my appointment with the Rheumatologist about my autoimmune disorder today.  He was soooo supportive of my decision on the mastectomy.  I really think he is one of the most attentive doctors I've ever had.  I waited over an hour to see him, but it was worth it!  He listened, and considered, and chatted, and gave excellent explanations behind every answer he gave to my questions. I wish he was my everything doctor! 

Sounds like I'm good to go on silicone.  He said there was no scientific evidence to support silicone causing or having negative impact on autoimmune disorders, and his opinion is I should weigh the other pros and cons to come to a decision I'll be happy with.  He's also not concerned about my condition causing poor healing or other complications. 

I left that appointment feeling good about my decision again.  He said at one point, "considering the huge risk you're facing, I really think you're doing the right thing" and I said "ya, I really think I may be saving my life". and He said "definitely, very well could be". I felt more confident about the surgery than I have yet!

Then the next day I went to get some lab work done, and my surgeons office called to tell me they had completed my FMLA paperwork and I could come get it.  So after my blood draw I went across the street to the surgeons office and asked for my paperwork, and the receptionist said "Oh yes, this must be for you!" then she looked at it odd, and said "whats your name?"  I told her, and she kind of shrugged, and "Hmm okay, ya this is it" and handed it to me.

I really wasn't prepared for what the surgeons office had written on the paperwork. 

Diagnosis:  Breast Cancer.

My eyes tingled a little and my throat started to close off, I turned and walked out of the office.  As I started driving back to work it really hit me, somewhat fiercely.. " I DON'T have breast cancer!!!!"  And I was lost again, what am I doing??  This is soooo drastic, It's a possibility I might not even get cancer!  might.... maybe? small chance... 

So I turned in my paperwork to my supervisor and HR, I was thinking I had already talked to them both and they didn't say anything like "OMG Amanda you have breast cancer?!?!"  So I didn't even think about it until I was leaving HR and I realized I had talked to her about my autoimmune thing but I didn't think I had talked to her about my Genetic mutation.

I stopped in to see my cousin (who I work with) a couple offices down, and told her what my concern was, I don't want to mislead people into thinking I do have breast cancer, but I'm assuming this is standard for the surgeon to write for these purposes, but I felt so bad, and I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me, thinking I had cancer.  So she talked me through it (she's really great), and I turned around, went back into the HR office and  pointed to the my paperwork "I need you to know, I DON'T have breast cancer, I have a genetic mutation that gives me an 84% risk of getting breast cancer, and based on family history, probably in next few years, I just don't want you thinking I have breast cancer right now"  To which she responded with sympathy and compassion and asked me questions about the procedure, out of curiosity (that she quickly followed by saying I didn't have to answer, but I did).  We ended by joking about how I was a little bummed that I couldn't get giant boobs out of the deal.  She assured me that no one else would see the actual paperwork and I didn't have to tell anyone anything I didn't want to. She's good at that HR stuff.

I then made sure my supervisor knew as well, I DON'T have breast cancer!!  He understood, and It was a relief to know he actually hadn't thought I did because as soon as he saw the paperwork, he remembered me talking to him about the gene and the risk a few weeks ago.  It was nice to know that he knew I DON'T have breast cancer, but he still insisted (with some sincerity) that if there is anything I need or anything they could do to help, just to reach out. Plus, I'm much more comfortable knowing that my work knows and we're going to figure out how to cover everything while I'm gone.  I had really dreaded telling them.

Those were some dark moments for me between the time I picked up that paperwork and when I went back to clarify my situation with them. But again, at the end of the day, I'm doing the right thing. 

That's right - I DON'T have breast cancer, and I'm going to do what I need to in order to prevent it!

(and I'll just keep telling myself that...)

A New Found Appreciation

Interesting how the thought of losing something can make you appreciate it more.  Now that surgery to remove my breasts is looming, I'm finding myself appreciating them more and more each day. 

I think it has easily been 6-7 years since I went anywhere in public (other than swimming) without a bra.  In fact for the past year I've been wearing a Victoria's Secret "Miraculous" bra.  (which IS Miraculous).

There is a little bit of story to the "Miraculous" bra.   -  Except when pregnant (or afterwards trying to lose the 50+ pounds I gained each time) I've been fairly thin, and while I've always felt I had decent sized breasts, they weren't something I could flaunt around my cleavage in a low cut shirt.  They just didn't work that way.  All my bras successfully lifted and separated, and if wearing anything that wasn't a bra that provided support it did so through smooshing.

So I went out one night with a coworker and some of her lady friends, and I actually am quite sure that at least 2 of them had "enhanced boobs".  So they're wearing cute low cut things and flaunting their cleavage, and I tried to squish mine up a bit and well.... it just didn't work.  From some point that night, I just desperately wanted "cleavage".  So then the Victoria's Secret commercial came on and I just had to try it  I forked out the cash for it... and it worked.  The Miraculous bra easily took me from my natural B/C (not so full) size to a D+  looking like I'm going to bust out of my shirt!  and honestly - I LOVE it.  I really don't notice any different kind of attention.  That's not what it's about.  I just really feel there is no mistaking my femininity when I'm wearing that bra.  And having been so thin and hipless so long, I enjoy feeling confident that my form is more feminine. Even more so that I've gained a little weight now actually have a butt and hips to accompany them.

Anyway.  So yes.  I haven't gone bra-less for some time, certainly not since I was pregnant with my younger daughter.  And I'm serious - not even to the gas station to buy a last minute gallon of milk (unless it was winter and I had some reason to be completely concealed in an over sized coat or sweatshirt).  I guess I had some concern about their position.. having breast fed 2 children I felt maybe they were a bit saggy.

So recently I've spent alot of time looking at them.  It started because I was doing the visual exam, seeing how they look, do they look normal, making sure theres no weird dimpling or color changing skin.  Then additionally having seen alot of the before and after mastectomy/reconstruction pictures, I've been looking at alot of boobs!!  So just in my day to day activities,  I've also started noticing other women's boobs, what size they are, what shape they are.  LOTS of women walk around without bras!!!

So the other day I got home and changed out of my miraculous bra into just a tank top, then threw on a thin t-shirt over it since we had my sister in-laws coming over.  It was just too hot for my bra, particularly the Miraculous bra.  It's a 100 degrees out,  and after working all day, the last thing I want to do is sit around with sweaty boobs.  So when my sister in-law asked me to go to the store with her, I checked myself out in the mirror and said "think I'm okay going without a bra?" to which she said "ya" (of course!! she's not wearing a bra either!!!)  So off I go to the store bra-less !  And yes, I did feel a little self conscious, but when I was there, I kept looking around and noticing other women and their boobs, and realized even bra-less my boobs area actually pretty okay looking.

I went to the gas station last night without a bra.  Today I went to the car wash without a bra.  I feel great.  I'm probably still going to wear my bra to work.  In fact, I still can't imagine not doing so.  But the point is I'm really liking my boobs right now. 

I kind of wish I could just resent them for what they're putting me through....  instead I find myself enjoying them, admiring them, hoping my new boobs will come close to looking this good.  I'm not fooling myself.  I originally had some hope of getting them to be the size they are in the Miraculous bra, but I've pretty much been assured that is not going to happen.  I know I'm not "getting a boob job"    It's not like with this surgery I'm going to go in to the hospital and come out with beautiful new breasts.  It's something else entirely.  I'm not sure I'm ready to use the words that will adequately describe what they will be (or won't be).

For the next 72 days, I'll just love my breasts for what they are.