Roller Coaster

Today was kind of rough for me mentally.  I was heating up my leftover breakfast burrito for lunch in the microwave at work, when suddenly I had this vision of the mastectomy animation I watched on YouTube.  It wasn't graphic or anything, but the idea of them basically cutting my breast in half, taking out the insides and putting in foreign stuff (the alloderm and expander) only to have to do it again to get the actual implant... ugh. 

It seemed so unreal that I was actually going to do that.  Then I had visions of the scars and stitched up incisions across my chest in place of breasts, and it was just too much to fathom.  No way was I actually doing this!  I had to settle down a bit... "Calm down Amanda, you're just freaking out... get the food out of the microwave and get back to work".  (I said this in my head.. not out loud). 

So I did okay at pushing out the thoughts the rest of the day.  I was super busy at work.  There was enough drama today without bringing my boobs into it!

Then on the way home I couldn't stop thinking about it again.  Felt like some weird stages of grief or something.. I was thinking am I in denial?  Is this the disbelief stage?  I had to remind myself, I'm doing this to avoid cancer.  I started feeling nauseous.  There were the 2 sides of me having this conversation

"You saw those women at the meeting, some of them had cancer and they're doing fine now!"

"Ya, but they still had to have mastectomies and weren't able to do immediate reconstruction and had to go through chemo!"

"Ya, but they didn't know about the mutation before hand, you do, you can find it earlier!"

"Maybe I can!  But maybe I won't!"

"Maybe you won't get cancer at all!!"

"But maybe I will, PROBABLY I will, and maybe I won't find it early enough, and maybe I don't want to be afraid all the time!"

Again, this is in my head - not out loud.  (no need to lock me up yet).

I'm scared now.  I'm afraid of the scars.  I also really for the first time considered what if they find cancer in the surgery.  I've acknowledged it as a possibility, but I hadn't *really* thought about it.  What if they find out I have cancer, and I can't keep my nipples, or worse I wake up without the expanders!   What if after the surgery I go to bed every night and wake up horrified at my scars and that this wasn't some crazy dream. 

I'm having a hard time with the bigger picture right now even though I KNOW - I'm potentially saving my life.  This is the right thing...  I'm sure I'll think so again tomorrow. (hopefully I think so the day after surgery).  

Oy... 36 more days of this roller coaster!  No wonder I'm nauseous.  Get me off this ride!! 

Thoughts - 44 days away.

The other day my husband and I were discussing fear of dying.  He was saying he's not afraid to die.   I found myself thinking that day, that I am afraid to die.  Not just because I worry about others, but because I want to LIVE.  I'm just not ready to stop.    This line of thinking made me feel like perhaps I was selfish in my desire to live.   But as I read another blog today describing a woman remembering losing her mother to breast cancer -  I realize that it's not entirely selfish.  I don't want my daughters to experience that,  It makes me cry to think of a daughter losing her mother.  I am so thankful to have had mine all my life.  I can't imagine the pain of losing her to something like that.  I feel like a mothers love can be so powerful, so fierce.  Just as i can't imagine losing my daughter, I don't want my mom to lose hers either.  My mom told me she wished she could do this for me, so I wouldn't have to.  I know exactly what that feels like.  I feel the same way about my daughters, I wish I could do this three times over if it could prevent them from having to face this.  But for now it's enough that It will keep me alive, so I can be here for them, and for my mom, and just live.