Saturday, August 20, 2011

Thoughts - 44 days away.

The other day my husband and I were discussing fear of dying.  He was saying he's not afraid to die.   I found myself thinking that day, that I am afraid to die.  Not just because I worry about others, but because I want to LIVE.  I'm just not ready to stop.    This line of thinking made me feel like perhaps I was selfish in my desire to live.   But as I read another blog today describing a woman remembering losing her mother to breast cancer -  I realize that it's not entirely selfish.  I don't want my daughters to experience that,  It makes me cry to think of a daughter losing her mother.  I am so thankful to have had mine all my life.  I can't imagine the pain of losing her to something like that.  I feel like a mothers love can be so powerful, so fierce.  Just as i can't imagine losing my daughter, I don't want my mom to lose hers either.  My mom told me she wished she could do this for me, so I wouldn't have to.  I know exactly what that feels like.  I feel the same way about my daughters, I wish I could do this three times over if it could prevent them from having to face this.  But for now it's enough that It will keep me alive, so I can be here for them, and for my mom, and just live.

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