So I lost my expanders. I now have no boobs whatsoever. I just have wrinkled skin and nipples with an incision pressed flat/slightly concave against my chest wall on each side of my chest, covered by my hospital issued breast binder I have to wear 24/7. To add salt to my wounds I also have drain tubes again. They're bigger this time believe it or not - even more uncomfortable. The right one goes into my side and then up into my arm pit before looping down to go around my former breast area. Where it sits in my arm pit it pushes against some nerves or muscles in such a way that it causes this dull numbing ache through my whole shoulder, arm and the section of my back there. The only relief I have from it I find once I lay down and wiggle and adjust pillows and then viola it is gone, until I have to get up again. This was my better arm after the first surgery.. now I have less mobility in it than the other. I am fairly numb about my appearance when I look at my naked chest. I try not to look at it. I don't have to as much as I did with the expanders so just don't. Huh, I just realized that I might feel so dehydrated because I'm crying so much. I'm getting better about holding it in around people. But I don't know why I didn't prepare myself better for this possibility. I was so sure reconstruction was going to go smoothly. The is far more than a bump in the road. This is like I got car jacked at gun point and I'm left beaten at the side of the road 100 miles off course and forced to hitch hike back to the starting line, knowing well I wont even have a shot now at second prize.
Great I'm thankful that the infection isn't going to kill me, and yay I can get my expanders back in a few months and start again. But I'm here now with no boobs and it is really not pretty! And I have these dumb drains that are far more than a small annoyance dangling around my waist creating bulk under my clothes that seems to accentuate that lack of of bulk above them. I have very little appetite and when I do eat I don't know if its a side effect of the antibiotic but food suddenly tastes weird... both the tacos last night and spaghetti tonight were unbearably salty (though they were prepared the same as always) the bread for my peanut butter toast tasted bitter. I'm not even enjoying my mini reeces peanut butter cups.
I am sooooo tired of being in my house, but even though I'm sure my mom would be willing to take me somewhere, I don't know what I would want to do.. I don't want to be seen like this. There's only 2 weeks left until I am supposed to go back to work, and I just don't know if I will be ready.
Ok... I feel a little better, getting it out is helpful. I still know my reason I did this, but it doesn't mean this doesn't hurt me now.
Praying praying praying.ReplyDelete