Relief

I was really worried before the surgery that I would wake up from the surgery and feel deformed and devastated by my "loss". 

I'll admit when I was in the hospital before my plastic surgeon came in, I was afraid to look at my chest.  I didn't want to face what I had done quite yet.  I didn't get a real good look until the plastic surgeon came in and opened it all up and my sister in law snapped some pictures.  It was kind of strange...  I wouldn't say I felt nothing... but pretty close to nothing.  Most of my thought at that moment was about how my sister inlaw probably didn't expect them to look that bad.

I cried once in the hospital.  (well twice, but I'm not counting when I woke up in pain in recovery, I'm talking about afterwards..)  I was just overwhelmed.  It wasn't really even about my boobs.  I was really scared about my arms, I was so afraid that I would be permanently disabled.

But now that my arms are back to almost normal (still lack some feeling in my left arm and some of my finger tips), I really have no regrets.  My right nipple was trying to die off - it turned black and flattened out and was really weird looking, and I was not to happy about that, but I figured I had a back up plan.  If one died, I could just get the other removed and get reconstructed nipples that matched.. lots of women who have mastectomies do that. 

I have to really look at them at least twice a day.  I have to clean the incisions and put burn cream on them, and cover them with bandages.  I do so carefully, like I'm nurturing them somehow.  I am sometimes weirded out by my lack of emotion about it all.  Should I be disturbed by how unpleasant they look?  Should I be crying all the time?  Should I feel a great loss over the beautiful breasts I once had?  I don't know...  Maybe it's because I had so long to plan this and prepare and felt all these emotions before hand?  Maybe I'm still numb... maybe the anesthesia hasn't worn off the emotionall part of my brain.  Maybe once my tummy functions get back on track so will my emotions?? 

As I keep saying - it is what it is.  There is a reason I did this and I still believe in it.  For now I just feel relief that the waiting is over, and relief that I don't feel any of those feelings I dreaded prior to surgery.